24 replies to this topic

[Clodhopper]

Since I could not find the previous topic, I decided to make a new one.

So post your jokes here!

[SGE]

the previous one isn't that old, I remember bout it. (well at least I think it was in here)

srry dont know any funny jokes in english....

Edited by SGE, 05 August 2005 - 02:02 AM.

[Clodhopper]

Ok, I have one!

One fine summer day in Alabama, a young, haughty lawyer was duck hunting. He had been hunting all morning with no luck, when suddenly a duck flew up right in front of him. By freakish chance, he managed to shoot the bird, but it landed in a field on the other side of a fence. He ran over and clumsily scrambled over the fence, only to find a farmer in his way. "Watcha doin' boah?" he said in his gruff, Southern accent.
"I'm getting my duck, old man!"
"It's in my prop'ty, boah. It's mine."
"Listen, old man, do you know who I am? I can sue your pants off!"

At that point the farmer started to laugh.

"Hahaha! You don't no much about this place, do ya? Around here we go by the three-kick rule. I kick you three times and you kick me three times, until one of us gives up!"
"Fine, I'll do it!"

The farmer grinned and swung his leg back. The first kick got the lawyer in the stomach, doubling his over. The second kick went to the groin, flattening him, and the third kick just about took his nose off. Spitting blood out of his mouth, the lawyer picked himself up and growled, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!" The farmer looked down on him and said, "Nah, I give up, you can have the duck."

[SGE]

Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living ^%^%^&% who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of ^^%$^& who are getting on, get your arses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the $%% in the kitchen."

very bad i know, hey if i forgot to censur a word please say so

[Clodhopper]

Haha! That's funny!

[SGE]

thank you thank you!!! urs pretty funny, I just keep picturing it!

[Clodhopper]

Yeah, I know what you mean...

[Clodhopper]

How bout a question:

If a guy does the dishes, and no woman is around to see him do it, do they actually get done?

[SGE]

Hmmm never thought of that.... It brings life into perspective...
Lol

[Natedog]

Haha, Matt, good one.
Did you, by any chance, hear that from "Kate & Leopold?"

[SGE]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Danmed if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[Natedog]

AAAhhahahah!!!1
That's great, I love it! Good one Esteban, good one...

Here we go: There's a new virus programmer out there with a sick sense of humor...Here are some of the things he's been designing...

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

I'll stop there, taking a small bow...

Edited by Natedog, 09 October 2005 - 05:05 AM.

[SGE]

lol!

:cheers ar Nate after he bows:

[Uppy]

Hahaha. Here's an awesome one about a blond.
Okay, one day there was this burnette jumping on the railroad tracks counting "31! 31! 31! 31!" and a blond comes up and asks "Hey! Can I join you?" and they burnette says "Okay!" and they are both jumping on the railroad tracks chanting "31! 31! 31! 31!" and a train comes by so the burnette jumps off but the blond is still there chanting and they train runs her over and the burnette runs back on the tracks yelling "32! 32! 32! 32!"

[Clodhopper]

Natedog, on Oct 3 2005, 04:52 PM, said:

Haha, Matt, good one.
Did you, by any chance, hear that from "Kate & Leopold?"

No, I got that one from my Dad.

[Uppy]

Okay, here's another one but this is very racist so beware!!!!!

Q: Why should you not throw rocks at a mexican riding a bike?

A: It's probably your bike!

[SGE]

Jaja first joke in a long time that discriminates and is funny.

BTW Uppy Mexicans are not a race. Needed to add that

[King Tutankhamun]

Yo mamma is so fat, that when she went to KFC and the guy asked what size bucket she wanted, she said "the one of the roof". That's yo mamma!

(heard that one from a messenger wink)

[Jedianakinsolo]

Ummm... Lol, I liked someone posting the "discriminating mexican" one. Was actually funny. I got in major trouble once though, for telling many "racist" jokes. It was a pageful of blonde jokes...

Anyhow, here's my favorite.

This guy goes to this store every other day or so, to get gas, chips, whatever. Every time he goes there, there's a girl sitting at the bench reading, or doing somethinb, but she's always got these headphones on.

He sees her at Walmart, riding a bike, Gas station, on the way home, wherever she is, she's got these headphones. So he finally asks the clerk at that store.

"Why does she always have those headphones?"

"So she can live." replied the clerk simply.

The man, severely curious now, devises a cunning plan. He sneaks up on her while she's reading a book, and yanks the headphones off.

She gasps, gags, falls over and dies.

Now, the man is severely worried. He just killed a person accidentally. Perplexed, he hold the headphones up to his ears.

"Breathe in, Breathe out, breath in, breathe out."

[SGE]

lol! I think I had heard a different version of it. Of a guy who went to a barber shop. When the barber took the headphones he falls & dies. You know the rest.